Mother's Day

Today holds so much meaning for me. I have been reflecting on this day for weeks now in anticipation. My heart feels as if it is in three different places as I hear people say, “Hope you have a great first Mother’s Day,” or I read cards that are full of sentiments about being a new mother.

I know to them this is my first mother’s day. It is my first with a baby in my arms. My first holding a sweet, precious bundle. My first with a spit up stained shirt. My first with little brown eyes staring back at me. My first with the cutest smile you’ve ever seen. My first with a room full of baby toys. My first with baby snuggles. My first with a nursery across the hall. My first with a sweet little cry telling me he needs me. My first with this little boy who changed my life. It is my first mother’s day with a baby in my arms but it is not my first mother’s day.

Today I am rejoicing over this life that has been given to me. I cannot even express in words how special and precious Benjamin is to me. He has radically changed my life forever and my prayer is that he keeps changing lives with the power of Christ. He is the sweetest, cutest, cuddliest, snuggliest baby I know and I could never say thank you enough to my Heavenly Father for bringing him into my family.

I love him with all my heart and every day is a new adventure with him. I wake up to a little smiling face full of joy and am reminded of the joy of Christ that comes in a childlike peace and rest.  I scoop him up and kiss his face all over as I praise God every day for the miracle of this baby boy and the miracle of adoption. He smiles back at me and rests contently in my arms. He knows that he is safe, loved, wanted, cared for, and that’s all he needs. How simple, yet how profound. That is exactly what God offers us every day yet we still act as if we need something else, something more, a clearer picture of that love, a plan, etc.

Ben has taught me so much in the past 3 months and I am beyond excited to celebrate my first mother’s day with a baby in my arms. And he’s not just any baby. He is a very special baby with a very special purpose. I am excited to open cute cards and sweet gifts about being a mom. I am excited to hold him today and take pictures commemorating my first mother’s day with my son. I am filled with joy and thanksgiving as I think about all that God has entrusted to me. I look at Ben’s big brown eyes and my heart melts all over again. I’m in love with this little guy and I am so proud to be his mother.

It’s interesting to me how my heart can be so full of joy, hope, and thanksgiving and yet so full of longing and sadness at the same time. You see, this is not my first mother’s day. I was a mother last year on mother’s day. I was a mother with empty arms, aching for a baby girl that was taken home to Heaven. I still long for her. I still miss her. I think I always will. My family doesn’t feel complete yet and it won’t until we are all together in eternity. 

Today I looked through all the sweet sentiments we were given to me when Abigail passed. I was reminded of the strength God provided and the hope that He placed in my heart. I thought back to this time last year and remember the pain of watching other mothers hold their precious babies and children and aching to hold mine. I still ache to hold her but I know her life held great purpose as she was instrumental in bringing Benjamin home. So today when people wish me a Happy Mother’s Day I will be clinging tight to a beautiful brown eyed boy named Ben and clinging tight to the memory of a beautiful little girl named Abigail.

As if joy, hope, thanksgiving, longing, and sadness weren’t enough, this Mother’s Day my heart is filled with compassion and concern as well. I think of Ben’s birth mother often. In fact, I pray for her every day. I am still so thankful we got to spend three precious days with her in the hospital. While I think of her often, today is different. I can’t get her off of my mind. I wonder what today is like for her. When she walks through the store and sees all of the cards and flowers does her heart break? Does she regret her decision? Is she crying over her child today? Is she wondering if he is ok? Is she wishing she could see him, hold him, kiss him? Is she filled with peace knowing her decision was the best for her son? Is she thankful that God provided him a loving family? Is she thinking back to February 13 when she placed her baby in another woman’s arms? Does she wonder what it would be like to be celebrating this mother’s day with this baby boy in her arms?

I can’t help but sympathize with her pain. While her loss is my gain my heart grieves for that loss. I wish I could tell her thank you every day. I wish I could help her understand how incredible I think she is and how much love I know her decision to place Ben in an adoptive family truly shows. I pray that her heart is full of peace today as she celebrates Mother’s Day the way I once celebrated, with empty arms.

She chose to do a semi-open adoption which means that I send her monthly updates through the adoption agency. She gets a photo album full of adorable pictures each month and a letter updating her on Ben’s development. I always include a personal letter too so she knows how special she is to us. I couldn’t let Mother’s Day pass without sending her something. I actually found a card at a Christian book store specifically written for birth mothers so I wrote a letter to her in this beautiful card and put a gift card to a restaurant she mentioned as her favorite in a conversation we had while she was in labor with my son. I wanted to do something more though to show my deep appreciation so I called our social worker to see if sending a picture of me holding Ben would be a good idea or a bad idea. I can only imagine the mixed emotions it could stir within her. The social worker said she thought it was a great idea as birth mothers love to see how much adoptive mothers love their babies. On the back of this picture, which was taken in the hospital, I wrote a poem that I penned just for her:

To the Woman who Made Me a Mother

You chose life, selflessly you gave

I chose love and eagerly I came

You chose sacrifice, giving of your heart

I chose hope, to be a light in the dark

You gave me your son, the most precious gift given

I gave you a promise that with my whole heart I would love him

You knew this choice was the best for our son

I knew he was meant for my family from moment one

You made a decision most definitely harder than any other

And with that selfless decision you made me a mother

I pray that as she reads the card and the poem that she knows how much I care for her, how much we all care for her. I admire her. I told her in the hospital that she was my hero and I still feel that way. Every day when I see Ben’s smiling face I think of her, not only because he looks just like her, but because she made that moment possible. She made all my moments with my little guy possible. She made me a mother and I can’t think of a more precious gift.

So today I celebrate with a beautiful brown eyed baby boy in my arms. Today I celebrate the miracle of adoption and all that God did to bring Ben home. Today I celebrate a beautiful baby girl that is praising God in eternity. Today I celebrate that the Father is rejoicing over her. Today I celebrate a brave young woman who chose life, love, and hope. Today I celebrate the woman who made me a mother. Today I celebrate Mother’s Day and all that it means for all mothers. What a blessing. What a high calling. Happy Mother’s Day.